“But They’re Still Your Family…”: Why You Don’t Owe Toxic Relatives Unlimited Access
If you’ve ever felt guilted into family events, pressured to keep the peace, or told to let it go because “it’s your mom,” you’re not alone. Many of us were raised to believe that family is unconditional, no matter how much it hurts.
But here’s the truth: being related to someone doesn’t give them the right to violate your boundaries, dismiss your identity, or make you feel small.
Setting boundaries with family, especially toxic or emotionally immature relatives, is not selfish. It’s survival.
What Toxic Family Dynamics Can Look Like
Toxic doesn’t always mean explosive. It often looks like subtle, chronic emotional harm. Patterns we see at Found include:
Guilt-tripping: “After all I’ve done for you…”
Dismissiveness: “You’re too sensitive”
Enmeshment: no privacy, over-involvement, “we don’t keep secrets”
Conditional love: support that depends on obedience or conformity
Rejection based on identity: queerness, gender, faith transition, neurodivergence
“Family loyalty” used as a weapon against growth or autonomy
These patterns can leave you feeling confused, drained, anxious, or ashamed—even when you're physically far from them.
Why It Feels So Hard to Set Boundaries
When you grow up in a system where love is tied to compliance, saying “no” can feel dangerous. You may fear:
Being labeled selfish, dramatic, or ungrateful
Losing your family’s approval or support
Causing tension in the larger family system
Confirming the narrative that you’re the “problem”
The truth is, many of our clients feel grief and relief when they set boundaries. You can miss someone and still need distance. You can love someone and still say no.
What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
Boundaries are not about control, they’re about clarity. They sound like:
“I’m not available for phone calls after 8 p.m.”
“We won’t be attending that holiday gathering this year.”
“Please don’t comment on my body or parenting choices.”
“If you continue to speak that way, I’ll need to leave.”
You don’t need to over-explain. You don’t need them to agree. And you are allowed to hold a boundary even if it upsets them.
What If They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries?
Unfortunately, some family systems punish autonomy. You might be met with:
Escalated guilt or manipulation
Stonewalling or emotional cut-offs
Smear campaigns within the family
“Flying monkeys” sent to bring you back in line
This is why boundaries aren’t just about what you say, but they’re about what you do when someone crosses the line. Therapy can help you clarify your limits and stick to them without crumbling under pressure.
Boundaries Are a Healing Tool
When used well, boundaries protect your peace and allow healing to begin. They help you:
Reconnect with your own voice and needs
Create safety for your nervous system
Build relationships based on consent and respect
Grieve what you didn’t get and grow into what you now deserve
You may not be able to change your family—but you can change how you engage with them.
Found Mental Health Is Here When You’re Ready
At Found, we understand how complicated family dynamics can be especially when religion, trauma, and identity are involved. We help clients navigate the grief, guilt, and freedom of setting boundaries with toxic family members. Whether you're considering limited contact, navigating a no-contact decision, or just learning how to say “that doesn't work for me,” you're not alone. We’ll support you with compassion, clarity, and care.
Offices located in Provo, UT | Online help available across Utah
