You Don’t Have to Be Grateful for What Hurt You
“It made you stronger.”
“They did their best.”
“At least you had a roof over your head.”
“You should be grateful—it could’ve been worse.”
Sound familiar?
Many people—especially trauma survivors—are told to stay grateful for what they had, even if what they had hurt them. Gratitude is weaponized to silence pain. And over time, this can leave you questioning your own memories, instincts, and worth.
Here’s the truth: You can be grateful and still acknowledge harm. But you never owe gratitude to what broke you.
When Gratitude Becomes Gaslighting
Gratitude is powerful. But when used to minimize or deny harm, it becomes a form of emotional gaslighting—both from others and sometimes from yourself.
You may have been taught to:
Downplay emotional neglect because your physical needs were met
“Honor thy parents” even if they manipulated or controlled you
Thank the church for your community, even if it shamed your identity
Stay quiet because “others had it worse”
This messaging teaches you to second-guess your own pain. It convinces you that acknowledging hurt makes you ungrateful, dramatic, or disloyal.
But naming what hurt you is not a betrayal. It’s a beginning.
“They Did Their Best” Doesn’t Mean It Was Enough
Yes, your caregivers may have done the best they could with what they had. But “their best” doesn’t always meet a child’s emotional needs. And your nervous system doesn’t care about intentions—it remembers the impact.
If you’re wrestling with guilt for setting boundaries, going no-contact, or just naming the truth of your experience, remember:
You can hold compassion for someone and hold them accountable
You can recognize their limitations and honor your needs
You can miss them and protect yourself
You don’t have to justify your pain to be allowed to feel it.
“But I Turned Out Fine…”
Maybe you’re high-functioning. Maybe you’ve built a beautiful life. Maybe you’re the kind, sensitive, overachieving one who took care of everyone else. And maybe that’s because you learned to anticipate everyone else’s needs before your own.
Being “fine” doesn’t erase what it cost you.
You can love who you’ve become and still grieve what you had to survive to get here. That’s not ingratitude. That’s integration.
Gratitude and Grief Can Coexist
You don’t have to choose between love and anger, compassion and clarity, gratitude and grief. Healing often looks like holding both.
You might say:
“I’m grateful for the good—but I’m not going to pretend the harm didn’t happen.”
“I can see the whole picture now—not just the version I was told to remember.”
“I don’t owe anyone my silence to keep the peace.”
Gratitude isn’t about denying pain. It’s about making room for truth.
At Found, We Believe You
At Found Mental Health, we work with clients who are untangling complex family dynamics, religious trauma, and emotional gaslighting. We know how hard it can be to honor your story when the world keeps telling you to be thankful for it.
We’re here to hold space for your pain without conditions. You don’t have to justify it. You don’t have to “balance it out.” You don’t have to be grateful for what broke you.
You just have to be honest. We’ll meet you there.
Offices located in Provo, UT | Online help available across Utah
