“We Love Each Other, But We’re Always Arguing”: Breaking the Conflict Loop in Your Relationship
You know the pattern. One of you shuts down, the other gets louder. You both feel hurt, misunderstood, and like you’re having the same fight on repeat. Even though you care deeply about each other, things feel tense, fragile, or disconnected.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and your relationship isn’t broken. Most couples experience these conflict cycles. The good news? With awareness and support, you can break the loop and reconnect.
What a Conflict Cycle Looks Like
Couples often fall into repeating patterns—what therapists call negative interaction cycles. These might include:
One partner pursuing while the other withdraws
Criticism met with defensiveness
Emotional flooding that leads to stonewalling
“You never listen” vs. “You’re always upset with me”
Escalating tension over small triggers
These cycles aren’t about who's "right" or "wrong"—they’re about unmet needs, unhealed wounds, and nervous systems reacting to perceived threats.
It’s Not Just the Fight—it’s the Meaning Underneath
When your partner walks away during an argument, it might remind you of being abandoned as a child. When your partner raises their voice, it might trigger past trauma from a home where anger wasn’t safe.
Conflict often activates old stories about our worth, safety, or belonging.
At Found, we help couples slow down and explore what’s really happening beneath the surface. We ask:
What’s the fear underneath the anger?
What are you trying to protect when you shut down?
What old pain is being reactivated here?
When you understand your conflict in terms of emotion—not just behavior—you can begin to approach each other with curiosity, not judgment.
"We Just Don’t Communicate"
We hear this all the time. But it’s not just about communication—it’s about connection. Many couples know the right words to say but don’t feel safe enough to be vulnerable.
Good communication isn't about being perfect. It's about:
Knowing how to repair after a rupture
Taking responsibility without shame
Expressing needs instead of criticism
Listening with empathy, not just defensiveness
In therapy, we teach these skills in real time—helping couples practice new ways of relating that feel safer, softer, and more effective.
Repair Is the Heartbeat of Healthy Relationships
All couples fight. What matters most is what happens next.
Repair is the process of coming back together after disconnection. It might sound like:
“I got defensive and shut down—I want to try again.”
“When you raised your voice, I felt scared. Can we talk about it?”
“I see now that you were asking for reassurance, not attacking me.”
These small moments of repair rebuild trust, safety, and intimacy.
Found Mental Health: Helping You to Reconnect, Not Just “Fix” Things
At Found, we help couples understand their cycles, heal old wounds, and build new patterns of connection. We don’t take sides, we work with the relationship. Whether you’re navigating faith transitions, gender identity shifts, trauma history, or just everyday communication struggles, we offer a supportive, inclusive space to grow together.
Offices located in Provo, UT | Online help available across Utah
