Surviving the Holidays: Coping With Tricky Family Dynamics Around Thanksgiving
For a lot of people, Thanksgiving isn’t just about food and gratitude. It’s about walking into a room full of history.
Maybe your family avoids hard conversations and pretends everything is fine. Maybe certain relatives make comments about your life, identity, or choices. Maybe there’s tension around religion, politics, or “how you turned out.”
You might find yourself dreading the day, then feeling guilty for not being “more grateful.” If this is you, there’s nothing wrong with you. The holidays tend to magnify whatever is already true in a family system with both the love and the pain.
Why Family Gatherings Feel So Intense
When you go home for the holidays, you’re not just showing up as your current self—you’re stepping back into old roles.
The “easygoing one.”
The “responsible one.”
The “peacemaker.”
The “black sheep.”
Even if you’ve done a lot of healing, your body remembers what it felt like to be that younger version of you. Old patterns and survival strategies can switch on quickly: people-pleasing, shutting down, over-explaining, numbing out.
On top of that, there can be:
Unspoken rules about what’s “okay” to talk about
Expectations to participate in traditions that don’t fit you anymore
Comments about your body, relationships, beliefs, or identity
Pressure to forgive, forget, or “just get along”
No wonder your nervous system feels on high alert.
You’re Allowed to Protect Your Peace
One of the hardest parts of holiday gatherings is the feeling that you owe it to your family to sacrifice your wellbeing. You might think:
“They’ll be hurt if I don’t come.”
“It’s only one day so I should just suck it up.”
“Good children / good relatives don’t cause waves.”
But your mental health matters on holidays just as much as any other day. You’re allowed to weigh:
How safe you feel
How you tend to feel afterward
What you realistically have capacity for
Choosing to set limits doesn’t mean you don’t love your family. It means you’re including yourself in the circle of people you care about.
Coping Options: It’s Not All or Nothing
You might not be ready (or able) to skip the holiday altogether, and that’s okay. Coping is often about finding the version you can live with, not the “perfect” solution.
Here are a few possibilities:
1. Adjust the How Long
Maybe you don’t stay all day. You might:
Arrive later and leave earlier
Commit to dinner but not the whole weekend
Plan a clear exit time (“I’ll need to head out by 7”)
Shortening the exposure can make a big emotional difference.
2. Adjust the Where
If being in your childhood home is particularly triggering, consider:
Meeting at a neutral location
Staying in a hotel or with a friend rather than with family
Hosting a smaller gathering at your place with only the people who feel safest
Changing the environment can shift the emotional tone.
3. Adjust the Who
If certain relatives are especially harmful or invalidating, it’s okay to limit your contact with them. You might:
Spend more time in the kitchen or with younger cousins
Sit closer to the people who feel grounding
Take breaks in another room or outside when needed
Your attention and presence are yours to direct.
Planning Ahead: Emotional “Travel Prep”
Just like you’d pack a bag for a trip, it helps to emotionally prepare for holiday dynamics:
1. Identify Your Likely Triggers
Think about past holidays:
What comments or topics reliably spike your anxiety or shame?
Which dynamics pull you back into old roles?
Naming them doesn’t make them worse—it gives you a chance to plan for them.
2. Choose a Few Boundary Phrases
You don’t have to debate or explain everything. A few simple scripts can help you hold the line without getting pulled into arguments:
“I’m not going to talk about that today.”
“That comment doesn’t feel okay to me.”
“Let’s change the subject.”
“I’m going to step away for a bit.”
You’re allowed to protect tender parts of your life from people who don’t handle them with care.
3. Build in Breaks
Give yourself permission to step outside, sit in your car for a few minutes, or take a walk around the block. Use those moments to:
Breathe
Text someone who feels safe
Ground yourself (noticing what you see, hear, and feel)
Breaks aren’t dramatic—they’re regulation.
4. Have Support Lined Up
If possible, let a friend, partner, or therapist know that the holidays are hard for you. Arrange to:
Text before and after the gathering
Debrief later
Have someone remind you that your experience is real and valid
Being believed is powerful medicine.
If You Choose Not to Go
Sometimes the safest, healthiest choice is to opt out entirely, or to spend the holiday with chosen family instead. This can bring up grief, guilt, or fears of being judged. Those feelings are real, and they don’t mean you made the wrong choice.
You’re allowed to prioritize:
Your identity and safety
Your mental health
Your healing timeline
You can care about your family and still decide that being there isn’t right for you this year.
You’re Not Ungrateful for Struggling
It’s possible to feel both thankful and overwhelmed. To appreciate parts of your family and feel hurt by others. To enjoy pieces of the holiday and count the hours until it’s over.
Your experience is valid, even if no one else in your family names theirs. You’re not difficult, dramatic, or ungrateful for noticing where things are painful.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is tell the truth (to yourself) about what these gatherings are actually like for you.
At Found, we know that “family time” isn’t simple for everyone, especially if you’re navigating trauma, faith transitions, identity changes, or old roles that no longer fit. The holidays can bring all of that to the surface.
Our therapists can help you:
Plan boundaries and coping strategies before gatherings
Process what comes up afterward
Grieve the family you wish you had, while caring for the one you do have
Create new traditions that feel safer and more authentic to you
If this Thanksgiving feels complicated, you don’t have to carry that alone. Found can be a place to exhale, untangle, and feel seen in the truth of your experience.
Offices located in Provo, UT | Online help available across Utah
